Bloody Smile

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 09:02:19 GMT

in the true spirit of dj, here's some whining about my childhood. it's actually, honestly, more introspection and curiosity about myself than whining, because i'm not blaming anyone, and i'm not saying i hate my parents and want to run away. seriously, i've lived by myself for a long time now.

when i was growing up, i was largely ignored. i didn't make trouble, so they didn't punish me. i did reasonably well in school, despite never really turning in much homework, so they didn't discipline me. i wasn't exceptional, just enough above average to be largely invisible. my teachers would write, "talks too much in class" and "disorganized" and "doesn't work well with others" but they never really did anything about it. i would have to assert my presence several times before people would acknowledge me, pretty much well into high school. in high school, i started taking college courses, and i was in the running for some big scholarships. this drew attention. i wasn't comfortable with attention. i wanted nothing more than to return to my comfort zone and have everyone be oblivious to my existence. so, i joined the army.

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 23:13:53 GMT

i cant find her. i dont know whether i should look online... that seems, well, creepy.

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 00:17:29 GMT

i want to be touched
to be cuddled
held snugly in your arms
then it turns less into snuggling and more into holding
constraining
pushing against you
only to be pushed back against
even harder

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 20:25:03 GMT

if she would only understand that it isnt sex with me. i dont care about sex, i dont care that shes straight, its not sex. i just want to make her feel good. i want to help her forget all the scumbag boyfriends who go out with their exs while she not around. i want to help her understand that she is special, and that she deserves to feel good. but thats not going to happen, and im not even going to bring it up. because shes straight, and i told her that sex wouldnt come up between us. but she just doesnt understand... its not sex, its not about sex. its about love.

firsttimeforeverything

Thu, 24 Feb 2005 13:46:45 GMT

last night was amazing. my beauty and i visited R and her mentor, W. we had the moans beat out of us. we both cried, and we both loved it. we were tied down, beaten and made to feel wonderful. we were given orgasms and we were given bruises. we fell in love with each other all over again as we heard each other's cries and yelps and moans. we also had our affection deepened for R and W (even though we just met W). we were marked with permanant marker in our reddest spots with an R or a W, for whoever made the spot that red.

noone bled, but the blood was brought to the skin.

i am so relaxed. the stress was beaten out of me.

what do you do when?

Mon, 21 Feb 2005 10:46:42 GMT

what do you do when you know you're falling too fast?

what do you do when she's perfect and so is he?

what do you do when that's ok?

what do you do when they're all perfect, and that's ok?

what do you do when love isn't elusive?

what do you do when you know they're not just crushes?

what do you do when that is also ok?

what do you do when all they seem to want to do is please you?

what do you do when all you want to do is please them?

what do you do when you can't sleep?

oh that last one is easy... you read journals and play video games until your alarm goes off, what else would you do?

eyes

Mon, 25 Oct 2004 20:05:41 GMT

i once had a long conversation with someone who called himself Death. He told me not to make Him my business. He told me that there would be great Suffering if i did. i faltered in my life, and not only did i not take Him at His word, i went directly against it. it turned out that He gave me one more warning. luckily, only one person personally fell to my hand, but that person's eyes will haunt me for the rest of my life. i am aware of the amount of luck it took for me to get this far in life, and i hope that my luck holds. i have finally heeded the warning, and i plan to make my business education, rather than Death. i think that everyone will be happier for it, but there are always what-ifs, but if there would have been more than one set of eyes, then i am fearful of what would have happened to my mind, as it sometimes drives me nearly mad as it is, with only the one pair. i escaped a part of my life i'd rather forget happened, but there were others who weren't able to survive it. i can never live it down, and i can never forget. remembering is part of my duty now. Death had visited me before, (though not so much as his crueler brother, Sleep) and i escaped when my youth could overpower Him. He visited too many of my friends and my family. people told me i was so strong and was handling things so well, when in fact, i was harboring more and more hate towards Death and the world. i had decided that i should be the one destroying, and if it caused great Suffering, then so be it. and destroy i did. He did not like it when it was said that He served my command. i have come past that now; i have finished with trying to lure Death to come back to me and make me His lover. i no longer challenge Him to slight me, nor do i laugh at Him. i respect Him now, and i do not fear Him. Death is a wise man, and if He gives you a warning, i suggest you heed it, before you get nightmares. or worse.

Wed, 19 May 2004 01:43:29 GMT

I just got fucked really good and hard. I love being a pet. But now I have to get back to school work :o(

click

Tue, 16 Mar 2004 14:16:32 GMT

So nik says to click. So click.

Long time no update. I suck. This state sucks.

Whatever, I just need to pass my classes with flying colors.

That is all.

theres these two...

Wed, 25 Feb 2004 21:17:39 GMT

theyre a couple. theyre in my ethics class. theyre phil majors (multiple majors also). and they are gorgeous! i just want to cuddle with them every time i see them, either of them.

yarg. and theyre catholic.

i should write in here more often.

oh my fucking gods i want to be raped

Wed, 04 Feb 2004 20:35:14 GMT

but not really.

i just want my beloved to force it on me. i don't want to know when its coming, or maybe i want to have to count down untl it comes. i want to be tied down maybe, or simply locked inside a room. i want to be held down by strong hands and have a cock shoved inside me brutally.

and all of this is why i could never be a lesbian, i suppose. i love being underneath a man while he uses me for pleasure. when i'm with a woman, its more sensual, more that i want badly to make her feel good, and gently take over the task of doing so and rubbing my fingers along her body and licking her and touching her in just the right places.

and in both kinds of relationships, the nonsexual stuff is always most important, don't you mistake me, but right now i'm horny so let me talk about licking and sucking and fucking and twisting and pulling and smacking and bruising and biting and scratching...

that's what i want, i want to be pushed and pulled. twist me, break me, fuck me, make me, push me, pull me, bruise me, spank me, scare me, bite me, love me.

unless of course you want me to do any and all of the above to you, but that'll have to wait for another day. i'm sub at the moment.

*sigh*

what i would love to have

Sun, 01 Feb 2004 00:56:46 GMT

ranked in relative order, but any combination of the following is also acceptable. and noone think that i would give up who i already have for any of these, but a girl can dream, can't she? he'd let me, especially if he can take part as well.

1) jess
2) kevin
3) kristin
4) laura
5) travis

that is all. so if any of you want to get me something for my birthday... (hint, hint, wink, wink)

i am so smooth

Sat, 31 Jan 2004 15:59:17 GMT

i wish that girls were just interested in me. i am a girl and girls think that i'm just joking with them. *shrug* if i were a guy, i'd have all the girls. :-)

its been a while since i was here

Tue, 06 Jan 2004 21:49:12 GMT

i'm back at school already. it seems wierd not having my parents telling me where i'm going and who i'm going to be nice to like they did over the holidays. strange, my love and i can't seem to sleep together either. i mean, we've got the sex thing down, but we can't fall asleep next to each other. i barely slept last night, and the only reason i did at all was pure exhaustion.

why can't i ever seem to say the right things?

Mon, 15 Dec 2003 12:55:09 GMT

whenever im sad and hes sad we can not seem to cheer up without either sexing sleep or both. it seems so physical and shallow. i wish we could just talk about things. he says the same, and we say well work on it, but does he tell the truth? do i?

horniness

Sun, 07 Dec 2003 04:44:46 GMT

My fiancee is spent...

and I'm still horny.

And I'm playing the sub at the moment. So I have to earn my masturbation rights...

I'm trying to distract myself.

*sigh*

I need my own sex slave on the side :oP

when a job goes bad

Sun, 23 Nov 2003 16:36:12 GMT

once upon a time, there was a girl who had a good job. she protected the citizens in the place where she lived. then, one day, she got an assignment, and something went wrong on the assignment, and people died, innocent people who shouldn't have died. and that girl, she lost her job over it, and her job was all she had had. and now, this girl, she isn't sure what to do, she won't die, but she may bleed.

to kiss a killer

Sat, 22 Nov 2003 22:13:20 GMT

what's it like?

oh my love, don't cry, i'll wash my bloody hands

Fri, 21 Nov 2003 02:22:36 GMT

__________

obligatory first post

Fri, 21 Nov 2003 01:51:34 GMT

have you ever bitten you lip so hard it bleeds? have you ever enjoyed it? i have always wondered why i enjoy blood so much, not anyone elses, just mine.

i suppose that i can never fully understand my obsession with pain either. i like it, a can't seem to get enough of it. i love having nails raked over my skin to leave welts before making love. is there something wrong with me? is this natural? shoudl i enjoy being dominated in this manner so much? i think it could be much worse if i weren't in the loving and caring relationship i am in.

i still have a reddened ass from almost an hour ago. he enjoys giving it as much as i enjoy recieving it; it used to scare us both.

i try not to slip back into my old mentality, but i don't always succeed. i used to hurt myself because it was real. because i could feel it. it was something to hang on to, instead of floating away. now its purely for pleasure, and only in moderation... but still. my mind lingers on death, perhaps because so many i have known have passed through the veil. i would never take my own life, i have seen what it does...

bloody lips
from sweet kisses
tickle my tongue
with painful caress